Reality

At times like this, it's hard for me to word out what i'm feeling. My emotions though, are mainly mixed up with pain, anger, and agony. To ask if i'm feeling "alright", i'll just reply with "yes, nothings wrong". If i were to express what i've been holding in, then i'm afraid that it will just push the people i love further away.

Don't get me wrong, i've tried reaching out for help, but in the end...the only person who can help is myself. Friends and family will always be there for me because that's what they do... but think about it. If say i were to disappear into thin air one day, would the world stop spinning? Will people stop what they're doing and walk around like mindless zombies? No. Honestly, i feel like i'm not really making any great impact for the greater good of this world. I'm nothing more than a mere dying soul wandering around trying to live everyday like any other human being. But what is the use of it? All i see is pain around me. The people i love would slowly drift away from me, and in order to not cause them anymore pain, i push them away.

Pushing people away, is what i'm used to. I've been doing it all my life, because it's the only way i can stop them from getting involved with me and my pain. I'm used to getting hurt, used, and neglected. Although they don't mean it, people actually do push me aside for their own needs. Things i want to do and enjoy with the people i care never gets accomplished. Yet when others suggest those mere ideas that i asked, they go without hesitation. And every SINGLE time, they will go "i know you wanted to go ____" or "do this with me, but i got peer-pressured by my friends" or " i couldn't say no to them, they wanted to". Okay i get it. Their words mean a lot to you yet mine means nothing? Plans i've made always get flopped. Things people said they'll do for me never happens at all. Empty words and broken promises from others are what i've accumulated into my life as a natural thing now.

Maybe that's why i don't really have that much hope when i hear such sweet words...they're just too good to be true.

I'd like to think of myself as a happy optimistic person, but i'm not. At least...not anymore... the one person who actually understands me, and knows my pain is distant from me. Maybe it's for the better good... The last thing i would want to do is drag him down with me which would cause nothing more but greater sorrow.

Forgive me if this post is long, but i really have nowhere else to turn to. There is a deep secret that i've told my sister, but she doesn't really get me... it has happened before in the past and for a while this thought never came across my mind... until recently.

For unknown reasons i do not know why, but at times, i feel like vanishing from this world. Completely. Why? Maybe because so much has happened which has caused a negative impact on me. I've been physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused. Maybe that's why i can't fully trust people... or feel the will to move on. Sure it's all in the past but the scars are still there...every one of them.

These past few months have been hard on me. Someone i love passed away, and my parents are planning to separate within 2 years time. My health has been up and down and i can barely focus on school or work, let alone my relationships with my friends. So forgive me if i give off a cold heartless attitude and push you away so suddenly. But try standing in my shoes for just once before you go and make your life a drama.

It's hard holding in my tears. It's hard trying to go on everyday like nothing happened. But believe me i'm trying. The only reason why i was able to even hold on this long and moving forward, was because of him. And i miss him. Each and every day. When i do see him, i wish our time together would go on forever, because it seems like we never have enough time together. Now we barely see each other...

And just once, all i want in return, is simply for someone to just hold onto me tightly and stay with me until my pain fades away, and my mind eases into a peaceful place.