Hope

Hope: a bright shining light which keeps darkness at bay
Like a gentle cold breeze passing through a hot summer day.

You seek for more when others think you had enough

The thought of dreaming of tomorrow, simmering down under sorrow

Those sparkles in those teardrops that we shed from our eyes
A beautiful thing that never dies

Light as a feather, and holding everything together

Something that is ubiquitous and free of all cost
The last thing that will ever be lost...
Hope.

Change

A change in time within its place
A change of jobs, within a pace
A change in love, with lust and lost
The path you take, an ending that is so unclear
A change of heart, rules and morals
With each change, we must face with no fear
A change of sails, blowing us into the unknown
It is but a battle, that we must come forth.

She's in the back room yelling at the top of her lungs

While he's just sitting back sipping on a glass of wine

Her temper's rising and now she's taking it out on me

I had no choice but to let it all sink in.

What could i do, what should i do?

Everything is falling apart, 

and i'm trying so hard trying to put it all back together

Dinner time and we always part away,

It's still hard trying to get use to the empty seats next to me

What once was golden now turns to ashes.

Morning struck and we're back to the beginning

Everyday nothing changes

I'm here hoping that things will get better

But i'm only feeding myself lies

I shut myself away from all the pain

Locked myself up in my cold cramped up room

And write sad sonnets as tears run down my face

Is there ever a wish, that will come true?

Or do i keep dreaming, hoping one day, things will change.

Hello Mr. KIA

Hello hello Mr. KIA
Nobody likes your pretentious manner
Do you know that?
Hello hello Mr KIA
Please don't be such a snob
Don't get on the high horse,

You're caged in your own world
You should know that vivid world
Blah blah blah and you say blah blah blah
I'm sorry but i can't hear you anymore

I'm sorry sorry Mr KIA
I don't want to hear it anymore
You act so big but you're nothing, well that's too bad.

Hello hello Mr KIA
You shouldn't go around saying things like that
To people all the time
Hello hello Mr Know it all,
Please don't be such a snob.

Crying out

Still i wake up alone.
Sunshine in my eyes.
Coffee keeps me warm
Looking at myself in the mirror,
As the tears roll down my face
Laughing at myself...

Just an empty feeling,
What else is in life?
What's gone wrong?
I'm not sure with my life.

Crying out my life
Crying out like crazy
I don't know what i can see anymore.
Nobody knows
Crying out like crazy...

Still i stand here all alone
Always in the dark,
Calm and stillness all around me
Nobody beside me
Like a blast of wind passing by me

Still i sleep here alone
It's been the same as always
Another day gone by,
Another day done.

Crying out my life and nobody knows

Wishlist 2013-1014

Fresh Sugar Lip (Rose)
Fresh Sugar Lip (Trio)
Fresh Sugar Lychee Perfume
Sephora Draw The Line
The whole Victoria Secret Store XD
And if i can, i'd raid the Starbucks coffee shop every morning >.>

1,2,3,4

1,2,3,4...
You're delusional, and you know that
I'm not that same girl you knew before.
At the sound of morning, the flowers have already bloomed so much.
But why are you still out of focus?

I'm sick and tired of your hypocrisy.
You're such a liar, a lame liar.
I think i'm going crazy.

Don't act so miserably and pitifully.
Go disappear, far FAR AWAY.
Don't cry so pathetically. Just forget everything forever.

Listen, stop worrying about others and just mind your own business.
I don't need you, you dirty little liar.

No matter where you go, no matter how hard you rub your eyes
It won't be the same.

I won't fall back.
Game over.

Let Her Go

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when its burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no...
And you let her go...

Here We Go Again.

And here we go again

With all the things you have said

And not a minute spent

To think that you would regret it

And just to take it all back

Those words that held me down before

Have resurfaced once again

This time though, i won't come back

This time, i'll be gone for good.

Who are you to judge me

What i do, who i choose, is up to me

Don't interfere because i don't want to walk in your footsteps

Are you happy with your life?

Are you content in what you do?

Is it worth it to bring me down like this?

Reminding me all the hurt i've hidden,

All the pain i've buried

You're just making it worse.

This time though, i won't come back

This time, i'll be gone for good.

With every word you throw at me,

forcing me to become someone i'm not...

Treating me like i'm nothing but your mere achievements.

Makes me hate myself even more.

You wonder why i'm never home,

never stuck around to cherish those lost moments

Always bad-mouthing about me

And then acting like nothing happened.

Always make it seem like i'm the bad guy and you're the victim.

No. No more. No...more.

Caffe

With no particular destination
I walk as if i'm in a hurry, endlessly.
I've already emptied out my wallet.
With no special wants,
Pretending to be all busy, endlessly.
It's too early for us to fall asleep,
Please stay up a little longer.
Please, don't miss out on the cup of eternity.
You and me,
Me and my coffee.

Baby you're my caramel macchiato
Still, near my lips, your scent is sweet
You're more than the scent of latte
Do you remember this feeling, this comfort?

But tonight, i miss those warm lips, so i drink a cup of coffee
Alcohol is hard on my body, so i drink a second cup.
Now it becomes a part of a daily routine,
Walking through time
Memories of wandering through dark nights are painful,
So now it's my fifth cup of coffee.

Memory within the black aroma,
It touches my hardened tongue but not my heart.
The cup that once held my habit,
Became a drawer of memory that unfolds like a photo album
And drifted away like leaves.

Baby you're my caramel macchiato,
So warm, sweet and daring.

But tonight, i'll be drinking this cup of blacken bitter darkness alone.

Reality

At times like this, it's hard for me to word out what i'm feeling. My emotions though, are mainly mixed up with pain, anger, and agony. To ask if i'm feeling "alright", i'll just reply with "yes, nothings wrong". If i were to express what i've been holding in, then i'm afraid that it will just push the people i love further away.

Don't get me wrong, i've tried reaching out for help, but in the end...the only person who can help is myself. Friends and family will always be there for me because that's what they do... but think about it. If say i were to disappear into thin air one day, would the world stop spinning? Will people stop what they're doing and walk around like mindless zombies? No. Honestly, i feel like i'm not really making any great impact for the greater good of this world. I'm nothing more than a mere dying soul wandering around trying to live everyday like any other human being. But what is the use of it? All i see is pain around me. The people i love would slowly drift away from me, and in order to not cause them anymore pain, i push them away.

Pushing people away, is what i'm used to. I've been doing it all my life, because it's the only way i can stop them from getting involved with me and my pain. I'm used to getting hurt, used, and neglected. Although they don't mean it, people actually do push me aside for their own needs. Things i want to do and enjoy with the people i care never gets accomplished. Yet when others suggest those mere ideas that i asked, they go without hesitation. And every SINGLE time, they will go "i know you wanted to go ____" or "do this with me, but i got peer-pressured by my friends" or " i couldn't say no to them, they wanted to". Okay i get it. Their words mean a lot to you yet mine means nothing? Plans i've made always get flopped. Things people said they'll do for me never happens at all. Empty words and broken promises from others are what i've accumulated into my life as a natural thing now.

Maybe that's why i don't really have that much hope when i hear such sweet words...they're just too good to be true.

I'd like to think of myself as a happy optimistic person, but i'm not. At least...not anymore... the one person who actually understands me, and knows my pain is distant from me. Maybe it's for the better good... The last thing i would want to do is drag him down with me which would cause nothing more but greater sorrow.

Forgive me if this post is long, but i really have nowhere else to turn to. There is a deep secret that i've told my sister, but she doesn't really get me... it has happened before in the past and for a while this thought never came across my mind... until recently.

For unknown reasons i do not know why, but at times, i feel like vanishing from this world. Completely. Why? Maybe because so much has happened which has caused a negative impact on me. I've been physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused. Maybe that's why i can't fully trust people... or feel the will to move on. Sure it's all in the past but the scars are still there...every one of them.

These past few months have been hard on me. Someone i love passed away, and my parents are planning to separate within 2 years time. My health has been up and down and i can barely focus on school or work, let alone my relationships with my friends. So forgive me if i give off a cold heartless attitude and push you away so suddenly. But try standing in my shoes for just once before you go and make your life a drama.

It's hard holding in my tears. It's hard trying to go on everyday like nothing happened. But believe me i'm trying. The only reason why i was able to even hold on this long and moving forward, was because of him. And i miss him. Each and every day. When i do see him, i wish our time together would go on forever, because it seems like we never have enough time together. Now we barely see each other...

And just once, all i want in return, is simply for someone to just hold onto me tightly and stay with me until my pain fades away, and my mind eases into a peaceful place.

Driving me Crazy.

Are you listening to my heart?
Are you looking at my tears?
Only one in the world, just one
I need it to be you.
Why do you keep getting far from me?
Stay by my side, hold my hand
If you love me.
Why do you keep running away from me?
You drive me crazy.
You're close as if i can catch you.
But when i do you get far away like the wind.
Love is what i do alone, it only leaves tears.
A crappy, foolish love.
When we meet again, 
Let's not say goodbye.
Words that my heart say, i love you
Words that my tears say, i'm sorry.
No matter how much i pick them up and put them in
Words spill out.
This feeling, it's inevitable.

No. 1

Now and then i think of when we were together.
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die.
I told myself you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company.
But that was love and it's an ache i still remember.
But you didn't have to cut me off.
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.
But now you treat me like a stranger.
Didn't have to be so low, i only needed space.
Would it matter now if i said i was afraid of hurting you and keeping my distance was my only way to keep you close?
I only wanted you to be there for me when i needed it the most, but i guess we both have different opinions.
Said i wasn't ready for this heartache but you gave me no choice.
I tried to work it out but now we've drifted even further.
But i guess this is alright since i'm used to this empty feeling.
Now you're just somebody that i used to know.

Q

Who i love is the guy with the smile that can light up the whole block in the neighbourhood. He is the fantasy, the make-believe things that are actually true.

He is what i love: the inside jokes, the depth, the best friend whose always there for me when i need it the most. We always complete each others thoughts and sentences. Even when i don't say anything, he knows when something is wrong with me.

He is when i love; a new history started with him. Throughout the past, we have shared our pain and joy together. We met new people, fell in love for all the right and wrong things. We are the young lovers our old selves will someday reminisce about.

He is where i love: because i would go anywhere, anytime, just to be with him.

He is why i love. Because without him, i did not truly understand what i was looking for until i was with him. Even though there are obstacles that are between us, somehow we always try to make it work. When i was at my lowest, he would stop at nothing to make sure i was okay. Before him, i never knew that something so small in what i do would cause such a huge impact on someone else's life. Now that we found each other, he has given my past and future a meaning.

He is how i can love with all that i have. When we're together, it feels as if we can overcome anything together. With him, i am living to my fullest, testing out the water with no fear or regrets. He was my first, and he is my last.

My 2013-2014 to do list:

- Aquarium

- C. N Tower edgewalk

- Watch the falls at Niagara

- Experience halloween haunt

- go to Wasaga beach
- watching the sun rise while sitting on a dock

- watch the sunset at a lake

- look at the cityview by the shore at night

- experience BIG SLICE 

- try something new

- travel to a state

- travel to a country
-butter avenue and try their macarons ><

- drive pass the speed limit at least ONCE

- try new weird food

- go skating
- build a ginormous snow man
-make a gingerbread house *drools*
-go on the leviathan and behemoth twice in a day
-have my first dance

Shower of tears

I could see it in your eyes, my swelling sad tears

It’s still filling up my heart and endlessly flowing down my cheeks

It’s so awfully sad, even my forced smile looks teary

My glistening eyes reflect my bleak image, it looks so pitiful

I keep going blank, tears clog up starting from my throat, it feels like tears will spill if you poke me

Because I know myself, I’m just a crying good-for-nothing who is in regret for not catching you

I lament, why couldn’t I have been a better person for you?

I blame myself, why did I only have to watch you leaving me?

I should have known in the end that your selfish heart wanted a different fluttering

Although I’m crying, I’m eating so I guess I still want to live

I want to smile as if nothing happened but the embracing memories hold onto me

Are these tears flowing down your eyes as well?

At first, it was drop by drop but it started to spill down for a while
Because I know that I have nothing at all, I lament because I can’t even be sad

I forcefully try to shake off your existence that still remains although my insides are burning up

I couldn’t hide it anymore and just showed you my lacking image
I try to wash away my awfully good-for-nothing and dirty image with my tears