These days, all i feel is bleh
It just comes and goes
The food i eat...tastes bland
The dreams i have, are meaningless
The things i crave for in life, vanished
I wake up at night sometimes screaming
It's not a nightmare, just a random cry for help
The bear he gave me, i hug it every night
The things i was never scared of before, now frightens me more then ever
The thunder and heavy rain which once soothed my pain away...now gives me scars of horrible memories
I keep lying to myself
i didn't tell my own sister & bestie about the other side of the story...about my ex and me
I felt scared and confused. But at the same time, i didn't say or do anything. Not till it was always too late. I mean...if a guy was to want to push a girl away because if loves her too much...would he try to pretend to "rape" her... i mean sure he wanted to scare me...but enough was enough...the pain...when he forcefully touched me down there...i told him to stop...i SCREAMED for him to stop...but he didn't...i tried to move out of his grasp...he pulled me in...i looked away shamefully...it just made him lust for more...he kissed me in all the wrong places...still i could not shed a tear. I hated it...but why couldn't i cry? I was disgusted with myself. Just stared in empty space as he tried to kiss me again. I didn't respond. Not once. I admit...i was scared when he closed the door and we were alone. But part of me ...just then and there...wanted to give up. Like he used me once...why not again? I'm a foolish girl. How do i know if he did that because he "loves me" or because he was starting to lose control...i was scared. I told him to stop...he didn't...
That night when i got home, i was left with anger, pain, and my mind was hazy. I tried washing away his scent from me...i couldn't help it but cried. Was it because i thought i still liked him? Or was it because both guys whom i have and currently love(d) played the same tactic on me...what is NO for them...where is the stop line...i left...confused...
When HE came back for me, things didn't turn out like before. Everything is new. Things changed. Maybe for the better. I mean i used to get upset at him. Now, i'm just glad i have him by my side. I don't get sad/mad or angry at him. In fact, even when he's late or sleeps in or anything, i don't even mind anymore. Things got better i guess. I can't stop smiling now that i see him everyday (for this week). But when we sometimes kiss, i get scared somethings...because the image of my Ex forcefully hurting me emotionally that night, brought back scary flashbacks that i didn't wanna remember. I feel scared, and it made me even more mad at myself. The guy who loves me so much flew all the way back just to see if i was okay. But why...i sometimes still feel like i can't get that awful thought of that night out of my head.
No matter how hard i try...
Things that are small in size compared to me, now makes me feel so tiny
The days feels longer
The nights feels shorter
Its hard for me to sleep at night
I lost my motives to focus
The distance grew longer even though we're near
It feels like i'm not spending enough time with the people i care about
I used to be more independent
But now i can't live without clinging onto him
I was happy today, getting to sit next to the sister i've always wanted and the guy who i finally realized i can't live without
But it seems like part of me wants to push these aside
Because part of me wants to let go of all of this
But every time i do, they pull me closer to them
I don't want to let go
I know i got to stay strong- which i am
But sometimes, like these days, i feel so out of it
It just feels like i'm missing something...SOMETHING in my life
But i can't figure out what...
I mean, i'm happier now because of those around me
But at the same time, i'm kinda ...empty
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