It's never easy to choose between the two.
They say that when you fall in love, it's hard to forget the person
Once you break up, you'd fall into one of the three categories:
1) You might find someone else completely different from your old lover
2) You might find someone else just like your old lover
3) You refuse to look at what's going wrong and keep getting back with your lover
For me...it took a while to find which of the categories i was in...
I'd like to tell a story.
Of course i had many crushes, they come and go
But as i grew up, i got more mature
I started to take things a bit more seriously
Here is the story.
In 5th grade i had a crush on a guy named Tony. He was sweet, funny and adorable. With his chubby cheeks and quirky personality. Others excluded him from the group, but i always took notice. Time passed by and i had to move. We never got a chance to say we liked each other.
Middle school came, and i had my eyes on a bad boy kinda type. The asian-wannabe type gangster. His name was also Tony. Being the shy that i am...i never confessed. Course, my bff had her eyes on him too...never knew till now though XD. Of course, being a cool guy he is...he liked another girl. So my chances was slim to none.
And then High school came. The time for new love, new pain, and bittersweet memories.
My first crush was my tutor. That was in 10th grade. He was funny and nerdy. Really nice guy. I finally got the guts to confess to him...only to get turned down (nicely though). But i was fine with it...or at least i thought i was...
A year after...i met a fob. My first impression of him...hard to say...it was a mix between motorcycle tough guy/ lost fisherman. Haha... and then...this is where the story got twisted... Me wanting to forget about my old tutor crush...and him wanting to forget his 1year love for my friend...got together. We didn't know each other's motives. Just wanted to past time and forget our old crushes. But time passed...and we grew to appreciate each other. I found him very funny and always giving his all. He came from a poor family, but never once did he complain about his hardships. I knew he was in pain so then...i lent him some strength. Someone he can cry on. Lean on. Depend on. He was fond of me, said i was really nice and always too caring for others. But soon...the guilt in his heart took over and had to call it quits...cause it was just gonna hurt the both of us. Course...the breakup was fine with me...but after that...it was painful. Our friendship (like he promised) broke apart. We saw each other as mere strangers.
Months later... i met HIM again. Him as in Tony. The first guy i liked, my first love. When we first laid eye contact with each other after so many years, it felt like time stopped. I was lost in a trance. Felt as if nothing has changed and i felt things i've never felt before. At first things were going smooth, i thought maybe just maybe ....this time i would confess to him. But before i did...he told me he moved on and found himself another girl. That's when my heart literally shattered into a million pieces.
So i made a promise to myself...I vowed to not fall so hard for the next guy i meet, and just use the time to enjoy life and not really take things seriously...at least not yet.
There were a few who confessed to liking me. But being so heartbroken...i became a tease. I was a heartbreaker...i know..it was wrong of me to do so... But in truth...i did nothing more to them then just being friendly and helpful like i do to everyone else. Maybe that's why i'm such a pushover.
Then...2 years later, he came into the picture.
It started out as casual dating to me. Never took it to heart for the first week or so. But time passed, and i knew i was falling deep for this guy. So i had to divert his attention. Tried every way to show my true self. I wasn't perfect, my hair smells at times...i have scars on my body...yet..he didn't care. He still treated me like he did when we first went out. I found my perfect man. Or did i?
Two and a half years later, my ex found out he had done me wrong. we both matured. Took responsibility. But love moved on. I am the girl he still dreams of every night, and he is the guy whom i see as nothing more than a friend. But why does it hurt...to see him in pain?
i still care for the guy who broke my heart and i know i don't "love" him anymore, cause i was thinking about us and i can't see it working out.
i've been told..."both treated you well. both loves you dearly. but who will stick with you till the end? who loves you more then getting pleasure in love? "
And then i realized...the guy who respected my wishes, who never once took advantage of me, who never even thought of doing such things with me till i was ready, who waited very patiently even though i was always late, always emotional, always a burden but never once did he complain...my ex.
And then my heart started swooning around. It made me feel insecure. Is the guy i'm going out with really loves me for me? Or am i just a toy to him? Though he might think it's love to him...would he be willing to stop all of the lust and pleasures for me without complaining? If i asked to wait a year, two years, three years...would he comply? I just don't wanna get hurt again. I'm starting to lose hope in love if i knew that the guy i love only wants me for show...or pleasure...and not for who i am...
Because i am nothing more than a girl
who is quiet, shy...
i don't talk much
i take forever to reply
i cry
i get sad
i get mad
i get happy
i try in life, i don't give up easily
when i get knocked down i stand back up
but except for love..in which i am really weak at...
yet when i'm just being me...the girl who cares, worries but takes decades to respond...does HE love me? or is waiting patiently too much for his time?
Is he willing to wait...
I want a guy...the guy i love... to love me for me...to be there for me...to understand me
So where do i fall into the three categories? I fall into none. I love for love. I do not love for the past. I love for faith. I do not love for hope. I love for trust. I do not love for pain. I love when i fall in love. I love because i care. I love because i want to be loved to. I love because i do not wanna be alone.
But still i wonder...what does he love in me?
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